"The Devil, the proud spirit, cannot endure to be mocked." - St. Thomas More, 16th Century

In the Sixth Century, Pope Gregory ranked the Seven Deadly Sins according to severity.  The rationale for his system was that the more each sin offended against love, the worse it is.  Pride is number one.

Pride and vanity substitute illusions for reality.  They shut out the truth about  who we are.  These illusions form a veil to cover unattractive features.  While vanity is largely concerned with appearance, Pride's basis is one's desire to be "God," at least parochially.  Pride is also based in a deeply held fear of broadcasting one's own frailty.

What's tricky about pride is that we all need a little in order to survive.  We need to think we are OK, that we are not just a slowly decomposing organism with more flaws than virtues. 

What does this have to do with dating?

Everything. Of course we want a partner to be confident.  We want a partner to care about his appearance.  But when these traits overwhelm other sensibilities, intimacy becomes impossible.  Pride is a prime offender against love, since we are unable to get past the blockades set forth by our Proud date. 

The Proud Date is not able to admit that there is anything better than or greater than he.  This person has spent a lifetime building up illusions about who he is;  his "greater purpose."  He may, in fact, think he is a God.  He is very competitive, but in an internal way.  For him, competition is about winning.  It is about his having proven his superiority over someone else. This is a date who will criticize your appearance, your job, your worthiness of him. 

He must believe he is better, smarter, more attractive, more moral than others. Even his generally unattractive, human aspects (like his smell after a workout or his dirty clothes) ought to be fascinating to others.  Especially to you, his date. 

The Proud Date is usually very busy.  Busy with work, with social events, even with volunteer or church work.  The rub is, he is not doing these things because he enjoys doing them, because he wants to better himself or assist others;  he does them (and does them with zeal) because these actions are proof of his strong work ethic.  The fact that he is so busy with such important tasks is part of his moral superiority to others. 

What's funny is that almost everyone except him can see that he is putting on a show.  

There is always a handy excuse when he is challenged;  His co-workers hate him?  They are just jealous.  His children have major issues? They are ungrateful.  You question his behaviors towards you?  You are insecure.  

Plenty to go around.

I've met a few Proud Dates.  One man, "B," stands out.  He seemed too good to be true.  Up until our meeting, that is.  He chose an outstanding restaurant with a world-class wine list. But he chastised me (loudly) for my asking a "stupid question" of the sommelier.  In fact, he was upset I spoke to the staff at all.  He also "made some suggestions" as to the colors of clothing I ought to wear, offering himself as a model of what was attractive.  More than once he extolled his healthy diet and comprehensive exercise program.  After all, wouldn't I be better if I lost a few pounds?  He spoke of his top-level job at a huge international consulting firm, explaining how his co-workers disliked him because of his success. 

Boy did that guy bother me.  The nerve of him!

A male friend tells of a date with a physician, a psychiatry resident.  She is training in substance abuse counselling.  During their date, she mentions that she would like to try heroin so that she may "understand her patients better."  My friend (who is a smartypants himself) looks at her with raised eyebrow;  wouldn't she be susceptible to addiction just like her patients? But what did he know?  She brushes off his question.  It seemed she did think herself impervious to the drug.

But we are all guilty of this sin.

Especially me.  How do I know?  Because very proud and very vein people annoy the crap out of me.  The fact that I can point them out so easily disturbs me;  why do I know so well what it takes to build and wear that mask?  Am I envious that theirs is better than mine?

It's one thing to avoid the Proud date.  But to avoid being overly proud oneself is a critical step towards a truly healthy relationship. 

To strip away one's own pride is a harrowing task.  It requires work towards humility and to be grateful for all of the aspects of our imperfect, messy lives.  A lot of mental energy is needed to feel indifference towards those who build false castles and crown themselves king or queen.  When a person lives through enough humbling experiences - pain, illness, loss - she is reminded of her imperfection and simple humanity. Even after a mass of horrible experiences, to remain humble and to accept one's imperfection requires daily monitoring.

So escape from the deadly dating sin of Pride requires nothing more than a look inward, tool kit in hand.  

Sounds easy, doesn't it? 

Image:  "Pride" by Keith Sarver 

I don't get it.

Thanks, Frankie, for sending this along. 

Last week I was on vacation with Dolly.  Ummm... I mean... my family.  Yes, my sister and brother and father were all there.  My 19 month-old niece, Sophia, was there.  But it was all about Dolly.

"Dolly" is the name of the Cabbage Patch doll that has not left Sophia's side for the past 6 weeks.  After Sophia found Dolly at Costco one day, Elmo quickly abdicated.  Back of the stroller, little red buddy! Dolly assumed the throne and will not be deposed.

Throughout our trip, we try to separate them, but the Fates are against us.  Before the dolphin show at Sea World we leave Dolly in the stroller parking area, hoping to last the 25-minute performance without her. We watch the dolphins jump and do tricks.  Sophia is excited for the main attraction, the purported Michael Jordan of aquatic mammals. The stadium is quiet but for the splash of sea water.  Our announcer prepares the audience for the entrance of the star of the show: Dolly the Dolphin! Well, ten minutes ain't bad.

Some Things About Dolly

1. Her name is really "Joanna" but everybody calls  her Dolly.

2. She is a natural blonde.  But don't ask her to prove it.

3. She loves being dragged along the sand during long walks on the beach. 

4. Dolly's absence causes severe distress.  For everybody.

5. She has an "outie" belly button. 

6. Although she owns several pairs of designer shoes, Dolly prefers to go barefoot.

7.  Dolly loves to take long, warm bubble baths in the washing machine.

8. According to LAX security, she has no skeleton and does not carry any concealed weapons. 

9. She has a crush on Diego, cousin of Dora the Explorer. 

10. Dolly is able to hijack the digestive system of people under two.  Most of Sophia's dirty diapers are Dolly's fault.

>>Click for More Photos of Dolly 

Sophia has not yet turned two.  It's OK that she has a Dolly obsession.  She's a baby.  Sure, it's a big doll for such a little person.  Of course it would be easier if Dolly did not need to be with us all the time. But Sophia loves her and we love Sophia.

Who's Your Dolly?

There are plenty of things we adults like to keep nearby all the time.  Who is  your Dolly?  And why do you need her? 

Is Dolly your job?  Is she your Blackberry?   Is she your handbag?  Yoga mat?  Your iPod?  Appointment book? Sunglasses? Your phone? Your wife?

How do you feel when Dolly is missing?  When you forget her?  When somebody else forgets her?  Hurts her?  Do you sometimes pay more attention to your Dolly than you do to your friends or your family? Do you feel lost when Dolly is not around? Do you blame Dolly when things don't go well for you? Is it Dolly's fault when you make that call you should not have made?

Guess my Dolly is my cell phone.  I become anxious when I do not have it and angry when my signal is too low. Have been trying to leave it at home from time to time.  During a long run or a trip to the grocery store, for instance.  When I am not on call. It's harder than I thought.

It frustrates us that Sophia will not leave Dolly and move on.  We want for her to be Dolly-free; unfettered.  We want her hands available so that we can hold them.  But why is her Dolly any less important than our own?

It had been a long journey, so we decided to pull over and stop for the night.  It seemed like a nice, cozy, safe motel...

What we think is real and what is real are often discrete.  What sits beyond the borders may be more important than the scene included inside of the frame.  Hollywood has mastered this.  Entire cities stand in 2-D.  A 10' x 20' patch of grass serves as all of Central Park.  A small pond becomes the Pacific.

After all, it's the movies.  It's nice to hide the ragged edges of things and present only what is entertaining and attractive.  The rest:  contributions to the crackle of film cuttings on the proverbial floor.  Who wants to see the ugly side?

We do.  We love the nasty little bits we find under the rug.

See Stars without makeup!   Go Behind the Scenes! Get the True Hollywood Story!  Get the Dirt!  Catch them in the Act! Read my Diary... I mean, Blog!  See how Desperate we are!   Look at that Horrible Traffic Accident!

Why? Perhaps we feel better, knowing that others are just as flawed as we are.  Perhaps we need to know just how ugly our world can be.  When it comes to celebrity or sex or juicy scandal, that is.  We're happy to examine the out-takes in those categories. Death and destruction remind us of the humanity of everyone else.

For some reason we are not so curious about the scenes cut from... say...our presentations to NASA's senior management?  Why weren't the paparazzi after the accountants at some large corporations?  Why aren't those who post on slashdot winning book contracts?  Why don't blogs about literature have the highest Technorati ratings?

Too few people would stand in line for those things.  The red carpet seldom appears at the American Physical Society's March Meeting.  Too much information.  Too many notes.  Geeks.  Nerds.  BO-ring!

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling sleepy.

I'd better check in to my motel.

In Memory of Those Who Have Fallen.

We Miss You.

We Love You.

We Shall Not Forget You.

We Shall Honor You by Being the Best that We Can Be.