"And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?" -The Second Coming. W.B. Yeats

Thomas Aquinas attributes to sloth all sins related to ignorance. Not knowing enough is simply a matter of our not caring to know. On the subject of dating and relationships, however, I disagree with old Tom on some levels.

It's impossible to count the number of publications written about the subject. A Google search on the word "dating" yields more than 138 million sites! We can't read or learn enough about human relationships. People much smarter than me have tried to de-mystify, codify, dissect or otherwise shed light on how two people come together and stay together. And those works sell.

People are lazy in love not because they know too little. Unfortunately, Slothful or Lazy Dates may know too much. They just don't do anything about it. A date can be Lazy at any number of points during an interaction.

Sloth from the Start

One surefire way to fail at dating is not to try. I know more than a few people who have "given up" on dating and relationships, and try to convince me - and themselves - that they are content being alone. We all know them: these are your friends who never go out. There's usually some semi-valid excuse, whether it be work or family or pets, for their having dropped out of the dating scene.

Then there are those Sloths who may meet us and may be interested in a date but don't call. Now, before you all start with the "he's just not into you" mantra, I'm not placing the scarlet "S" on every man who has failed to call me in my dating life. What I want to convey is that there are some people who have genuine interest who never take the first step. Sure, it takes courage to ask for a date. Sure, it stinks to be turned down. But seldom do we get what we do not ask for.

Sloth in the Middle

Though we may feel safe after a few good dates with someone, we are not free from the grasp of sinister Sloth. The Lazy Date may have yet to emerge until after a relationship is established. These folks will approach and pursue with the zeal of a convert. Creative dates. Interesting conversations. Wonderful sex.  What fun!

Then the Sloth shows up. No longer are plans made. No longer is effort made to be interesting or creative. The burden of making our plans shifts over to us. Why? Does our date no longer care?

One male friend of mine has been dating a wonderful woman for more than a year now. Initially, she participated in making plans for dates and for vacations. Over time, he has been saddled with more and more of the plan-making.  Their last vacation was planned and chosen entirely by him, despite his having started a new job and his studying for his Boards examination.  A discussion about this brought out some of his concerns.  He does not mind doing the work of making dates and planning their activities as a couple.  He does worry that his decisions will not be well-received.  The pressure.
It's sad, since this is a nice woman who cares about him.  I can see his frustration, and the behavior is jeapordizing their relationship.  Who wants to make such effort only to be worried all the time?

Sometimes the Sloth shows up in bed.  All of us have been with a Lazy Lover;  the one who may enjoy our advances but makes no move to please us.  He falls asleep, convienently, after he is satisfied.  She enjoys but does not reciprocate certain acts.  We may tell ourselves that things in the bedroom will even out over time.  But when weeks or months go by and we've been doing all the work, we begin to feel resentment.  

How do we fix this?  Sometimes a frank conversation is enough.  Lazy behaviors may be bred out of fear of failure.  What if he does not like the dates I plan?  What if I am not good at ____ sex act?   If they don't try, they can't fail, right? We must also examine our own behaviors in the relationship.  Do we show appreciation when our date plans something for us or do we complain about its shortcomings?  Do we take the time to share our bedroom fantasies or needs with our lover? 

The Sloth in Life

Sometimes laziness transcends the dating world.  When eHarmony performs matches (not that I recommend their site; I've nicknamed it "eHOMELY."  And I am not that picky about looks, either), they use "energy level" as a matching criterion.  When we and our dates don't jive on this level, there is little chance of success. 

I wake up at 5:30 on most mornings.  It's tough for me to sleep past 8 am, even on weekends. I am constantly on the go, travelling between offices and hospitals, from home to the gym or to the Park, to restaurants or parties or to visit friends and family. It's almost impossible for me to watch television for more than 30 minutes, excluding sports.  If I were to date a man who liked to sit at home, sleep and watch television all the time, there would be no future for us. 

Bottom line:  The Sloth is a frustrating date.  If the issues behind the laziness are not addressed, then that laziness can and will kill a relationship.   When Sloth pervades a personality, there is little hope for a match with a non-Sloth.  If Aquinas is correct that sloth is the ghost behind ignorance, then I would add that fear is the root of sloth.

The Sloth Inside

I get lazy about some things.  And I frustrate myself.  For instance, I have not posted here in a couple of weeks.  Thanks to those friends and readers who have sent "gentle reminders" of my lapse.

To all of you who commented and enjoyed the Seven Sins Series, Thanks!  Please let me know what other topics about which you would enjoy reading.  Namaste.

"The Devil, the proud spirit, cannot endure to be mocked." - St. Thomas More, 16th Century

In the Sixth Century, Pope Gregory ranked the Seven Deadly Sins according to severity.  The rationale for his system was that the more each sin offended against love, the worse it is.  Pride is number one.

Pride and vanity substitute illusions for reality.  They shut out the truth about  who we are.  These illusions form a veil to cover unattractive features.  While vanity is largely concerned with appearance, Pride's basis is one's desire to be "God," at least parochially.  Pride is also based in a deeply held fear of broadcasting one's own frailty.

What's tricky about pride is that we all need a little in order to survive.  We need to think we are OK, that we are not just a slowly decomposing organism with more flaws than virtues. 

What does this have to do with dating?

Everything. Of course we want a partner to be confident.  We want a partner to care about his appearance.  But when these traits overwhelm other sensibilities, intimacy becomes impossible.  Pride is a prime offender against love, since we are unable to get past the blockades set forth by our Proud date. 

The Proud Date is not able to admit that there is anything better than or greater than he.  This person has spent a lifetime building up illusions about who he is;  his "greater purpose."  He may, in fact, think he is a God.  He is very competitive, but in an internal way.  For him, competition is about winning.  It is about his having proven his superiority over someone else. This is a date who will criticize your appearance, your job, your worthiness of him. 

He must believe he is better, smarter, more attractive, more moral than others. Even his generally unattractive, human aspects (like his smell after a workout or his dirty clothes) ought to be fascinating to others.  Especially to you, his date. 

The Proud Date is usually very busy.  Busy with work, with social events, even with volunteer or church work.  The rub is, he is not doing these things because he enjoys doing them, because he wants to better himself or assist others;  he does them (and does them with zeal) because these actions are proof of his strong work ethic.  The fact that he is so busy with such important tasks is part of his moral superiority to others. 

What's funny is that almost everyone except him can see that he is putting on a show.  

There is always a handy excuse when he is challenged;  His co-workers hate him?  They are just jealous.  His children have major issues? They are ungrateful.  You question his behaviors towards you?  You are insecure.  

Plenty to go around.

I've met a few Proud Dates.  One man, "B," stands out.  He seemed too good to be true.  Up until our meeting, that is.  He chose an outstanding restaurant with a world-class wine list. But he chastised me (loudly) for my asking a "stupid question" of the sommelier.  In fact, he was upset I spoke to the staff at all.  He also "made some suggestions" as to the colors of clothing I ought to wear, offering himself as a model of what was attractive.  More than once he extolled his healthy diet and comprehensive exercise program.  After all, wouldn't I be better if I lost a few pounds?  He spoke of his top-level job at a huge international consulting firm, explaining how his co-workers disliked him because of his success. 

Boy did that guy bother me.  The nerve of him!

A male friend tells of a date with a physician, a psychiatry resident.  She is training in substance abuse counselling.  During their date, she mentions that she would like to try heroin so that she may "understand her patients better."  My friend (who is a smartypants himself) looks at her with raised eyebrow;  wouldn't she be susceptible to addiction just like her patients? But what did he know?  She brushes off his question.  It seemed she did think herself impervious to the drug.

But we are all guilty of this sin.

Especially me.  How do I know?  Because very proud and very vein people annoy the crap out of me.  The fact that I can point them out so easily disturbs me;  why do I know so well what it takes to build and wear that mask?  Am I envious that theirs is better than mine?

It's one thing to avoid the Proud date.  But to avoid being overly proud oneself is a critical step towards a truly healthy relationship. 

To strip away one's own pride is a harrowing task.  It requires work towards humility and to be grateful for all of the aspects of our imperfect, messy lives.  A lot of mental energy is needed to feel indifference towards those who build false castles and crown themselves king or queen.  When a person lives through enough humbling experiences - pain, illness, loss - she is reminded of her imperfection and simple humanity. Even after a mass of horrible experiences, to remain humble and to accept one's imperfection requires daily monitoring.

So escape from the deadly dating sin of Pride requires nothing more than a look inward, tool kit in hand.  

Sounds easy, doesn't it? 

Image:  "Pride" by Keith Sarver 

Fifth post in a Seven part series on "The Deadly Sins of Dating."

About two weeks ago, a friend and I saw the movie The 40 year old Virgin. We expected a silly romp in the style of Old School or There's Something About Mary.   What we found was that, while the film was just as entertaining as other movies in its genre, it also sent a bigger message. 

The main character is, as advertised, a virgin. And he is fine with this.  It is everyone else who encourages him to have sex.  Ironically, "everyone else" has a far less healthy approach to sex an intimacy than does our protagonist. 

Who am I kidding?

Lust is powerful.  So powerful it sells just about everything.  And what would any relationship be without a healthy dose?  How can we have intimate relationships without passion?  Problem is, where do we draw our line?  Sex and physical closeness are visceral needs, like food and air and water.  Sex is critical to the survival of our species, so it makes sense that our drives to do it are strong. Anyone who has seen the film March of the Penguins knows what hardships will be endured for procreation.  And I thought New York was the harshest mating environment in the World!

So why is it a "Deadly Sin?"

Really.  Talk about a great joke on humanity.  Sure, we have this indominatible drive for sex sex sex and yet it can and does destroy relationships.   Perhaps it's not the sex itself that is so bad, but the when, how much and with whom that causes trouble.

When.

Gone for the most part are the days of chaperoned dates and courtship in the United States.  Michael Corleone is not about to ask my father's permission to date me (and look what happened to poor Apollonia after all of that fanfare,  Sheesh!).  It has happened in my lifetime: I was in the ninth grade the boy who lived next door asked my father for his permission to date me.  Dad said "no" in such a way so as to ensure this boy would never darken my doorstep again.  Thanks, Dad.

One of my friends insists that he can have a quality relationship with a woman after he has a "bar hook-up" with her.  I have yet to see this happen with him.  I know of only one couple who are married after having slept together the night they met.  Maybe they are the only ones who admit it, but I suspect the phenomenon is rare. 

When one jumps in to a physical relationship without any emotional or intellectual closeness to back it up, the development of the relationship is thrown off.  Of course physical affection and physical attraction are important, but the sex act, whether we like it or not, is a big step. 

Emotional and intellectual intimacy are tough to create.  Communication can be uncomfortable.  Conversely, it's quite easy to jump in the sack and "express" one's feelings there.  Problem is, we pay later for this.  As much as sex is terrific, it is a poor substitute for true friendship and love.  So if the latter has not developed and when the former becomes less exciting (note, I use "when"), the relationship is going to run aground.  And it's much harder to free a boat from a sandbar than it would have been to plan out a course from the beginning.

Our protagonist in The 40 Year Old Virgin decided to wait 20 dates before having sex with his girlfriend.  This makes sense, since it ensures an amount of time together versus simply just the passing of time.  Some of my friends use the "one month" mark before they become physically intimate.  For me, assuming I want a long-term relationship with someone, I want for us at least to agree on exclusivity first.  If this takes three weeks or three years, then so be it. What these approaches have in common is that they remove sex from the equation right away so that other parts of the relationship may develop unfettered. 

How Much.

Is there such a thing as too much sex?  I am sure some of you answer with a heartfelt "no."  But sex can be an addiction like anything else.  It can serve as an escape from everyday concerns.  It can cause disease and pain. 

And with the technology we have now, access to sex and sexual partners has increased geometrically.  Online "dating" services give the illusion of unlimited supply with the credibility of a "service" behind it.  Many online profiles ask for "NSA" (no-strings-attached, I had no idea what this meant so I asked someone about it... felt kinda silly) or certain types of sexual encounters. 

One man wrote to me to ask if I would consider scheduled weekly sex with him.  My response to him was "howzabout RANDOM weekly sex?  At the supermarket?  Let's go!"  Another man sent an instant chat message to me asking if I would go with him to a swingers party.  He was looking for a warm body to gain access to more warm bodies.  Another man was looking for a dominant woman to discipline him. 

I can't comment on that world or on whether those in it are satisfied or happy.  Perhaps some people can distance themselves emotionally so that sex becomes something like, say, playing tennis?  One need not become attached to one's tennis partner or know any details of his life.  As we downgrade the importance of sex, do we also downgrade the pleasure that comes from it?  Sure, it feels good to have played a nice game of tennis.  But I want more than that out of my sex life.

With Whom.

A friend who is recently divorced spoke with me about his marriage.  He lived with a woman who, according to most who know her, is unable to be happy.  Despite his best efforts, their marriage failed.  He is embarrassed of his divorce, almost, since he tells me he "does not believe in it."  He describes marriage as Sacrament.  Not "a" sacrament, but something sacred.  Not to be messed with. Alas, she messed with it.  She messed with the "with whom" part of this discussion.  Of course he was devasated, but tried to work through it.  Just when he thought things were getting better, she messed with it again.

The who in this equation of course depends upon the promises one makes.  If one makes a promise to avoid physical intimacy with others, lust is no reason to break that promise. Yet it happens all the time.  It boils down to a question of character and self-control.   Sure, the lust is there but that does not mean one needs to use it.

Conclusions?

Can our relationships be better if we keep our lust under control?  Use it to assist us in becoming and staying close with those who deserve it?  Can we recognize our physical attractions, and, despite them, remain faithful to our partners?  It's a tough assignment. 

Coming up:  Pride.

More is More.

After the death of my great grandmother ("GG"), my family went to her apartment in Queens to clean it out.   This woman saved everything.  She had an unopened set of bedsheets from the 1940's.  She had saved the claim slip for a package which was sent in 1925.  She saved paper bags and "gently used" aluminum foil.  She washed and preserved sandwich bags.  This is not to say that she had many possessions.  My GG lived through the Great Depression.  People had nothing.  She saw value in the smallest, seemingly worthless thing and preserved it as if it was precious. 

Few who lived through those times in the US are still with us.  My grandfather and his peers speak of those times and of how difficult they were.  Our "depressions" today are cushioned by the sheer opulence of our lifestyle.  We complain when gas prices are high, yet so many of us still own SUV's and other low fuel efficiency vehicles.

In the Second Book of The Yoga Sutra, we find the "five observances," or yamas.   They are guidelines about how to make ones life and one's universe better.  The second yama is Santosa, or "contentment."  To use only what one needs and to be satisfied with what one has.  The first yama is Saucha, or "cleanliness."  This refers not only to personal hygiene, but to the living of an uncluttered life.

I'm not saying that it is at all easy to achieve these yamas.  They are goals;  something to which we may aspire.

Gluttony is the opposite of the first two yamas:  When one cannot be satisfied with what one has;  when one consumes more than one needs;  when one disrupts the saucha of one's life with needless clutter.  I am the first to admit that I am a "sinner" here.  I have many more clothes and shoes, for instance, than I need.   And for sure I eat and drink more than my body needs.  In fact, as "Paul from London" and others have pointed out, these traits are present in almost everyone in some measure.  When they dominate a personality, however, they can be truly deadly.

Roots

In American culture, "more" is synonymous with "better."  Unusual to find a household today with only one car or only one computer or television.  We have become accustomed to excess.  Perhaps our desire to hoard or acquire more and more is rooted in fear.  Are those who raised us severely scarred by the Depression?  Are they immigrants from a place where it is a struggle to survive?  Or is it hard-wired in the human animal to take whatever is available, regardless of whether we are content with what we have?

A simple fish, when presented with more food than it can process, will literally eat itself to death.  Not because its system is overwhelmed with food.  It will die because its tank becomes fouled with its own waste and excess food.  It will suffocate in the products of its consumption.  When we humans take the consumption of goods and services to a point where we can no longer process our intake, we become Gluttons.  All of the resources we have become dedicated towards the purpose of processing our consumption and there is room for little else.  Forget about a good relationship!

Gluttons are packaged in myriad ways.  Some eat until their bodies can no longer process sugars correctly or regulate blood pressure and circulation.  Smokers consume so many cigarettes that the lungs can no longer perform gas exchange correctly.  Some drinkers consume so much alcohol that not only do their livers become scarred and dysfunctional, but the drinker is unable to function in other realms of life. Some purchase so many goods that their debt is unmanageable.  Others revel in a "conspicuous consumption," where they become addicted to the showing off of their excess.   

We like to think these things are not our fault.  We label as disease the failure of our bodies and minds to process our excesses.

At the Start

Gluttons surround us.  In New York consumption is everywhere, and it is nearly impossible to know whether a date is a Glutton or is... well... a New Yorker.  Normally, the signs of true Gluttony are end effects of consumption.  It's easy to see, for instance, if your date is morbidly obese.  Not so easy to see if he is an alcoholic or if he abuses other drugs.  You can watch a person smoke cigarettes, but can't tell right away whether your date is drowning in debt.  What's tricky here is that your obese date may, in fact, be less of a glutton than the other, less conspicuous consumers out there.  Your smoker may be making a real attempt to quit.  But, obesity is something we see.  We smell smoke.  The other products of excess may not turn until much later.

So your first few dates, months, years with a Glutton may be perfectly normal.  Unless, as I experienced, he asks on your first date if you would write for him a prescription for OxyContin. 

Later

Since many excessive behaviors may seem harmless, it is easy to become attached to a Glutton and decide that we like or love him.  Unfortunately, we also become entangled not only in the excessive behaviors, but in treating the end results of them.  I cannot list the number of relatively young, excessively overweight patients I have treated who have end-stage arthritis in more than one joint.  When they come in for preoperative medical evaluation, the Pandora's Box of other medical conditions related to obesity is opened. 

"Did you know you were diabetic?  Did you know your cholesterol is extremely high?  Did you know your circulation is poor?"  Up until that point, none of these issues had brought that person to a doctor.  Pain did.  And who, besides the patient, has paid the price for these health problems?  The patient's spouse and family.  Luckily, most of these conditions  are treatable...

...Unlike the end results of smoking or high alcohol consumption.  Lung cancer and liver degeneration are much trickier problems.  They approach slowly and attack before one can prepare for them.  And they ruin the life of the Glutton and the people who love him.

So What do We Do?

If I could invent some sort of early warning system for dates who have tendencies towards dangerous Gluttony, I would.  In my own dating life, I have come up with guidelines in order to protect myself:

1.  I will not date anyone who smokes cigarettes, ever.  It helps that the smell of them repulses me.

2.  I will not tolerate any sort of drug use.

3.  I drink alcohol socially.  However, if my date reports that he drinks every day or if he always gets drunk when he drinks, I end the relationship. This is a tough one. 

4.  While a couple of extra pounds on a man is fine, I look for men who are conscious of their diet and exercise regularly.

5.  If I become involved with someone, I "gently remind" him to have regular medical checkups.

Of course I monitor MYSELF for these behaviors too.  It's far too easy to substitute consumption for love or other emotional needs. I am lucky to have extraordinary people in my life who send me "gentle reminders" when they see my slipping into that pattern.

The next pass:  LUST.

Envy.

Sure, the grass is always greener:  If only I were thinner, richer, smarter.  If only my nose was like that.  If only my hair was blond and straight.  If only I had blue eyes. I wish my butt was smaller. 

From time to time every one of us wishes she was just like someone else.   We want a different body or different parents or a better house. Buddhism would tell us that these desires stem from our ignorance of the world.   Most of them are unattainable.  As we are entangled in the pursuit of these goals, so we remain tethered to our suffering.

Our ancestors may have more easily accepted their issues since they had neither the social mobility nor the technologic and medical advantages we have today. 

Roots: The Donna Reed Syndrome

Before television, we have only our neighbors and our community members with whom to compare ourselves.  With these parochial barometers who are usually similar to us, many people believe they are "well-off."  We see our neighbors kids, their cars, their clothes and their living spaces.  There is a limited supply of enviable people.

Then we meet the Ricardos.  And the Cleavers.  And Donna Reed.  And we scratch our noggins:  "Why doesn't my mom dance around the kitchen in a starched dress?  What's wrong with us?"  Our barometer is smashed by a little screen.  The people inside the box look great all the time.  And they have perfect jobs and model families.  Wow.  What an assault on the collective ego of a nation.  We aren't so great after all.

Actualization

As our media progresses, so does our opportunity to envy.  Technology is only a baby step behind, providing us with opportunity for "self improvement."  Want bigger boobs?  Want curly hair?  A winning personality?  Sophistication?  Want a more handsome hubby?  Howzabout a better career?  Click here!  Act now! Eat here! Read this! Sign here. Is a double D enough?

So we walk around with big knockers and smaller butts.  We crowd our bookshelves with our salvation on a page.  But does this make us happy?

In New York, both factors are present in abundance.  Not only are we barraged with media images of people who are oh-so-wonderful, we see them in person!  SoHo.  The Hamptons. Bergdorf's.  What lives these people lead! 

The Envious Date

These are the saddest dates of all.  They are not happy with who they are, fundamentally. So they read that.  They act then.  They click there.  They sign up.  They dine there. And they pay.

"Dave" is a bright man.  He holds a Ph.D. in a competitive field.  He is handsome.  Good build.  Funny.  Charismatic.  Successful in his career.  But quite tethered to his suffering.  He is what we now call a "metrosexual."  Manicures and pedicures. Serious manscaping.  And I mean serious.  He is a Manhattan restaurant encyclopedia.  Neatly stacked his bedside table are various self-help and dating books.  Although he has been working out at the same place for two years and knows the routine better than most personal trainers do, he still shells out the coin for thrice-weekly sessions.

Any man would love to have Dave's life.  Except Dave, of course.  He is restless.  Unsure of himself;  he wants to be someone else. 

First Meeting 

We meet at a coffee house.  But before we do, he asks a few times whether another place would be better.  And when we are there, he wonders whether we ought to have met someplace else.  A nice conversation.  A connection?  Except he cannot stop fidgeting with his clothes and his hair.  Are his jeans too dark? Should be have combed his hair back? He looks hungrily at the other patrons, scanning their accoutrements for guidance in how he ought to dress and what he ought to carry.

An Envious Female behaves in the same way.  She may have had some "work" done.  But she is not sure it looks right. Bigger?  Smaller?  Smoother?  Narrower?  Should she order wine or a drink?  What if it is the wrong wine?

Moving Along.

Envious dates are nice people.  They are pleasant companions once one moves beyond their insecure behavior, if that is possible.   And boy, do they try hard.  They endeavor to make themselves into the thing they believe they ought to be.  They expect that if they could just reach a certain point, get into that club somehow, they will be happy.  On the way there, they might make a partner happy with all of their trying.  Or they might make a partner crazy.  Dealer's choice.

Disengagement. 

It was tough to end things with Dave.  Every time I broke away, I was lured back by his trying.  I am frustrated for him.  If only he would figure out that he is just fine the way he is.  Being a doctor, I think I can fix anything.  How freeing it is for me to understand that I can't fix him.

The next bite:  Gluttony.